WITH CONFIDENCE
Non-Monogamy Glossary
New to non-monogamy? The terminology probably feels like learning a whole new language, and even if you've been at it for years there's probably a term or two you've wondered about.
Language in non-monogamy communities is constantly evolving and people can use these terms in different ways. This glossary covers the basics and will be updated as I myself learn more. Remember, these aren't meant as a prescription for how you should do relationships, but instead as a guide towards clarity about what you mean and what you're agreeing to with your partner(s).
If you're navigating non-monogamy and could use support figuring out what works for you (not just what the terms mean), relationship counselling might help. Otherwise, jump in below!
Relationship Structures
Key Concepts & Practices
Emotions & Experiences
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Relationship Structures
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Consensual Non-Monogamy/Ethical Non-Monogamy (CNM/ENM)
An umbrella term for any relationship structure where all parties knowingly and consensually engage in multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships. You may see "ethical/consensual" used interchangably. Basically it means everyone involved knows what's happening and has agreed to it; no one is being deceived.
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Open Relationship
A relationship where partners agree that romantic or sexual connections outside the partnership are allowed. Typically, the focus is on sexual connections, such as casual dating or hookups, but can also be open to deeper connections. It depends on what the people involved want & agree to.
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Monogamish
A term coined by Dan Savage for relationships that are mostly monogamous but allow for specific exceptions, such as the occasional threesome, making out with someone at a party or other negotiated experiences outside the primary relationship.
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Polyamory
"Poly" means many, and "amory" means love - so the literal definition is "many loves"! In contrast to an Open Relationship, the focus is on romantic connections. It is about having or being open to multiple romantic relationships, simultaneously, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Some people practice hierarchical polyamory (meaning there is an order of priority for one's partners), others practice non-hierarchical or relationship anarchy approaches.​
Relationship Anarchy
An approach that rejects traditional relationship hierarchies and labels. Instead of categorising relationships as "primary," "romantic," "friend," etc., each relationship is allowed to develop organically based on the needs & desires of the people involved.​
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Key Concepts & Practices​
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Metamour
Your partner's other partner. You're not romantically involved with this person, but you're connected through a shared partner. Some people are close friends with their metamours and others prefer not to interact much.
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Hinge
The person who's romantically involved with two (or more) people who aren't romantically involved with each other. For example, if you're dating both Alex and Sam, but Alex and Sam aren't dating each other, you my good person are the hinge. Being a hinge comes with its own challenges, like managing different relationship dynamics, and sometimes being the go-between for metamours.
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Polycule
A network of interconnected relationships in polyamory. Polycules can be small or large & complex, and mapping them out sometimes looks like diagrams you were made to draw in a chemistry class. It shows how different people are connected through romantic or sexual relationships. For example, if you're dating Alex, Alex is also dating Sam, and Sam is dating Jordan, you're all part of the same polycule - even if you're not directly involved with Sam or Jordan.
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Solo Polyamory
Practicing polyamory while prioritising personal autonomy and independence. In simple terms: I love you, but I want my own shit. Solo poly folks typically don't seek to live with or merge life decisions with partners in traditional ways. They might live alone, maintain separate finances and make major life choices independently.
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Parallel Polyamory
A style where metamours don't interact much or at all. You have your relationships, your partners have theirs, and there's minimal overlap. It could be simply a preference for keeping relationships separate, or recognition that certain people just don't get along.
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Kitchen Table Polyamory
The opposite of parallel poly. The idea is that everyone in the polycule is comfortable enough to sit around the kitchen table together—maybe not best friends, but friendly and involved in each other's lives to some degree.
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Garden Party Polyamory
Sits right in between the previous two styles. Here, metamours are friendly and comfortable enough to hang out at a group gathering, but don't really hang out one-on-one or have deep independent friendships. You'd all be fine showing up to the same garden party, hence the name, but you're not calling each other up to grab coffee.
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New Relationship Energy (NRE)
That excited, can't-stop-thinking-about-them feeling when a relationship is brand new. It's incredible and intense, but can also make it hard to think clearly about agreements, time management, or how the existing partner(s) might be feeling.
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Nesting Partner
A partner you live and share domestic life with, paying bills, sharing a home, maybe raising kids or pets together. Not everyone has or wants a nesting partner, and having one doesn't automatically make them more important than other partners. This depends on the style of relationship being practiced, like hierarchical polyamory for instance.
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Primary/Secondary Partners
Language used in hierarchical polyamory to describe different levels of commitment or priority. Your primary partner might be someone you live with, share finances with, or put first regarding major life decisions. Secondary partners have different types of commitment. Primary/secondary are terms exclusive to hierarchical polyamory.​
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Veto Power
An agreement where one partner can end or restrict another partner's connections outside of the primary relationship. Typically something only seen in hierarchical polyamory and often a controversial topic within polyamory communities, as it's perceived to give one person disproportionate control. ​​​
Emotions & Experiences
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Jealousy
Different to envy. Jealousy is that uncomfortable feeling when you're worried about losing something (or someone) important to you, or when you feel like you're not enough. Imagine you have been your partner's only relationship for a long time - until they meet someone new and develop a connection. You may feel you're losing a sense of "special-ness" in their life.
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Envy
Envy is about wanting what someone else has. Maybe you're envious of the attention your partner is getting from other people, or the exciting dates they're going on. Both jealousy & envy are normal and experiencing them is not a sign of failure - regardless how new or old hat you are to non-monogamy. They can serve as a prompt for introspection and conversations with your partner(s) or community.
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Compersion
The feeling of joy or happiness when someone you care about experiences happiness or pleasure with another partner. The classic example: your partner comes home from a date and excitedly tells you how well it went. You feel that incredible buzz of joy about how thrilled they are! Important note: not everyone experiences compersion - and even if you do, you may not experience it all the time. Both are totally normal.
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Being "Out"
Whether you're open about practicing non-monogamy with friends, family, coworkers, or the world. Some people are fully out, others are selectively out and many keep it private due to valid concerns about judgement, job security, or family reactions.