Non-Monogamy Glossary
New to non-monogamy? The terminology probably feels like learning a whole new language, and even if you've been at it for years there's probably a term or two you've wondered about.
Language in non-monogamy communities is constantly evolving and people can use these terms in different ways. This glossary covers the basics and will be updated as I myself learn more.
Remember, these aren't meant as a prescription for how you should do relationships, but instead as a guide towards clarity about what you mean and what you're agreeing to with your partner(s).
If you're navigating non-monogamy and could use support figuring out what works for you (not just what the terms mean), counselling might help. Otherwise, jump in below!
Relationship Structures
What is Consensual Non-Monogamy/Ethical Non-Monogamy (CNM/ENM)?
An umbrella term for any relationship structure where all parties knowingly and consensually engage in multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships.
You may see "ethical/consensual" used interchangably. Basically it means everyone involved knows what's happening and has agreed to it; no one is being deceived.
SEE ALSO: What is Non-Monogamy?
What is an Open Relationship?
A relationship where partners agree that romantic or sexual connections outside the partnership are allowed.
Typically, the focus is on sexual connections, such as casual dating or hookups, but can also be open to deeper connections. It depends on what the people involved want & agree to.
SEE ALSO: Polyamory vs Open Relationships
What is a Monogamish relationship?
A term coined by Dan Savage for relationships that are mostly monogamous but allow for specific exceptions, such as the occasional threesome, making out with someone at a party or other negotiated experiences outside the primary relationship.
What is Swinging?
A practice/lifestyle where mainly couples engage in sexual activity with other couples or individuals, with an emphasis on the physical/social aspect versus romantic connection.
Unlike polyamory, the intention is usually to keep emotional intimacy outside the primary relationship to a minimum. Swinging is a longstanding form of CNM, with its own communities and events.
What does Polyamory mean?
"Poly" means many, and "amory" means love - so the literal definition is "many loves"!
In contrast to an Open Relationship, the focus is on romantic connections. It is about having or being open to multiple romantic relationships, simultaneously, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Some people practice hierarchical polyamory (meaning there is an order of priority for one's partners), others practice non-hierarchical or relationship anarchy approaches.
What is Relationship Anarchy?
An approach that rejects traditional relationship hierarchies and labels. Instead of categorising relationships as "primary," "romantic," "friend," etc., each relationship is allowed to develop organically based on the needs & desires of the people involved.
Key Concepts & Practices
What is a Metamour?
Your partner's other partner. You're not romantically involved with this person, but you're connected through a shared partner. Some people are close friends with their metamours and others prefer not to interact much.
What is a Hinge?
The person who's romantically involved with two (or more) people who aren't romantically involved with each other. For example, if you're dating both Alex and Sam, but Alex and Sam aren't dating each other, you my good person are the hinge.
Being a hinge comes with its own challenges, like managing different relationship dynamics, and sometimes being the go-between for metamours.
What is a Polycule?
A network of interconnected relationships in polyamory. Polycules can be small or large & complex, and mapping them out sometimes looks like diagrams you were made to draw in a chemistry class. It shows how different people are connected through romantic or sexual relationships.
For example, if you're dating Alex, Alex is also dating Sam, and Sam is dating Jordan, you're all part of the same polycule - even if you're not directly involved with Sam or Jordan.
What is Solo Polyamory?
Practicing polyamory while prioritising personal autonomy and independence. In simple terms: I love you, but I want my own shit.
Solo poly folks typically don't seek to live with or merge life decisions with partners in traditional ways. They might live alone, maintain separate finances and make major life choices independently.
What is Parallel Polyamory?
A style where metamours don't interact much or at all. You have your relationships, your partners have theirs, and there's minimal overlap.
It could be simply a preference for keeping relationships separate, or recognition that certain people just don't get along.
What is Kitchen Table Polyamory?
A style where everyone in the polycule is comfortable enough to sit around the kitchen table together—maybe not best friends, but friendly and involved/integrated in each other's lives to some degree. The opposite of Parallel Polyamory.
What is Garden Party Polyamory?
A style where metamours are friendly and comfortable enough to hang out at a group gathering, but don't really hang out one-on-one or have deep independent friendships.
You'd all be fine showing up to the same garden party, hence the name, but you're not calling each other up to grab coffee.
Sits right in between Parallel Polyamory & Kitchen Table Polyamory styles.
What is a Nesting Partner?
A partner you live and share domestic life with, paying bills, sharing a home, maybe raising kids or pets together. Not everyone has or wants a nesting partner, and having one doesn't automatically make them more important than other partners.
This depends on the style of relationship being practiced. While 'nesting' can often implies a primary status, people who identify as solo-poly or relationship anarchists, for instance, consciously separate nesting from hierarchy.
What are Primary/Secondary Partners?
Language used in hierarchical polyamory to describe different levels of commitment or priority. Your primary partner might be someone you live with, share finances with, or put first regarding major life decisions.
Secondary partners have different types of commitment. Primary/secondary are terms exclusive to hierarchical polyamory.
What does Veto Power mean?
An agreement where one partner can end or restrict another partner's connections outside of the primary relationship.
Typically something only seen in hierarchical polyamory and often a controversial topic within polyamory communities, as it's perceived to give one person disproportionate control.
What is DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell)?
An agreement where partners can pursue connections outside the relationship, but don't share the details with each other.
Some find this approach reduces jealousy or awkwardness; others find the lack of transparency uncomfortable, feeling it creates distance and could be used as a way of avoiding harder conversations.
It can be a legitimate arrangement when genuinely & mutually agreed upon, though.
What is a Relationship Agreement?
A shared understanding between partners about how their relationship works and what each person expects from one another. They can cover areas like sexual health practices, time management, information sharing, and how to handle unexpected feelings.
The goal isn't to negotiate every possible scenario, but to identify what's too important to leave unsaid.
SEE ALSO: Relationship Agreements in Non-Monogamy
Emotions & Experiences
What is Jealousy?
Jealousy is that uncomfortable feeling when you're worried about losing something (or someone) important to you, or when you feel like you're not enough.
Imagine you have been your partner's only relationship for a long time - until they meet someone new and develop a connection. You may feel you're losing a sense of "special-ness" in their life.
SEE ALSO: Jealousy in Non-Monogamy
What is Envy?
Envy is about wanting what someone else has. Maybe you're envious of the attention your partner is getting from other people, or the exciting dates they're going on.
Both jealousy & envy are normal and experiencing them is not a sign of failure - regardless how new or old hat you are to non-monogamy. They can serve as a prompt for introspection and conversations with your partner(s) or community.
What does Compersion mean in non-monogamy?
The feeling of joy or happiness when someone you care about experiences happiness or pleasure with another partner. The classic example: your partner comes home from a date and excitedly tells you how well it went.
You feel that incredible buzz of joy about how thrilled they are! Important note: not everyone experiences compersion - and even if you do, you may not experience it all the time. Both are totally normal.
SEE ALSO: The Compersion Myth
What is New Relationship Energy (NRE)?
That excited, can't-stop-thinking-about-them feeling when a relationship is brand new. It's incredible and intense, but can also make it hard to think clearly about agreements, time management, or how the existing partner(s) might be feeling.
What does it mean to be polysaturated?
Polysaturation is the point where someone practicing polyamory feels they've reached their capacity for additional romantic or sexual relationships. This could be down to time constraints, emotional bandwidth, or simply feeling fulfilled with their current connections.
Someone who is polysaturated typically isn't looking to add new partners, though they may remain open to the idea if circumstances change. Someone can feel polysaturated with any number of connections, even just one!
What does 'opening up' the relationship mean?
The process of transitioning from monogamy to consensual non-monogamy within an existing relationship. This can be an exciting but emotionally complex time as theory meets reality. "Opening up" is a journey that requires patience, honesty, and often some trial & error.
Some couples open up smoothly; others hit bumps along the way. Either experience is valid, and many people find support (like counselling) helpful during this transition.
SEE ALSO: How To Talk About Opening Up
What does Being "Out" mean in non-monogamy?
Whether you're open about practicing non-monogamy with friends, family, coworkers, or the world.
Some people are fully out, others are selectively out and many keep it private due to valid concerns about judgement, job security, or family reactions.
What is the Relationship Escalator?
A term coined by Amy Gahran, describing the default societal script that relationships must follow a predictable upward path: dating → exclusivity → moving in → marriage → children.
Non-monogamy often involves a conscious choice to step off this escalator, meaning letting go of the expectation that relationships should develop in a linear fashion.
For instance, what if you are solo poly and don't desire to share a home? Or perhaps you do have a nesting partner and the two of you then choose to live separately?
Traditionally, those things might be marked as "failures". Reframing that can feel liberating, but also challenging as you're unlearning deeply ingrained societal/cultural expectations.