A Relationship Agreement Was Broken: Understanding What Happened

The first step towards repair is clarifying what’s actually taken place. It's already difficult to hit a moving target; more so when no one knows what the target looks like. Rushing to fix things will likely only make said things messier.

So.

You’ve given yourself a little (or a lot of) time and space. Everything hurts, but perhaps the feelings are just a tiny bit less raw. You’re in a position where you’re wondering what to do next. Let’s start here: was the relationship agreement spoken or unspoken?

SPOKEN AGREEMENT VIOLATIONS

“We agreed to discuss if one of us wanted to make a purchase over X amount.”

“We said Wednesdays are our date night and we wouldn’t make clashing plans with other connections/partners.”

“We agreed to let each other know if an ex tried getting in contact.”

And so on. Perhaps the agreement has been referenced in other conversations or contexts. It may be that discussions have happened over text or emails, or perhaps an actual document has been created. The point is that there is a mutual understanding, boundaries have been discussed and at the very least a verbal commitment was made to uphold them. 

There may be an internal reasoning for the individual, but in this case the action of breaking stated boundaries was an intentional one. So it can feel particularly painful to discover that a spoken agreement has been broken. Trust has been violated and it stings because it comes off the back of an explicit promise.

This person looked you in the eye, said one thing and did the opposite. 

And if you’re the one who did the breaking, the guilt can feel even more poignant. Perhaps you never fully considered the hurt breaking the agreement could cause, but now, suddenly, it's clear. You have no idea how to explain what you’ve done without everything sounding like excuses. Your words struggle to mean anything to your partner(s). Especially if you weren’t truthful at first about your actions.  Caught, the shame is hot & prickly under your skin. And the other party is so overcome with emotion - anger, humiliation, disgust - you wonder why on earth you put the relationship on the line for this. 

In the aftermath of a spoken relationship agreement being broken, the conversation is typically more straightforward. While defensiveness can sometimes show up, there aren't the circular debates trying to prove or disprove that a violation occurred. It tends to move more quickly to focus on the why and what next. Nevertheless, that shit still hurts and the challenges at this stage are unique. 

A conscious choice to break a discussed agreement can feel harder to forgive. The integrity of someone’s word can come into serious question, and that person must confront their capacity to deceive (if lying/hiding was present) their partner(s). An overwhelming sense of shame and guilt can be a blocker to genuine repair. And on the other side of this, the person who was hurt is effectively handed the moral high ground. That could be used to punish their partner.

UNSPOKEN AGREEMENT VIOLATIONS

“I thought it was obvious.”

Assumptions make asses out of us all, and yet still we assume. It saves time, it avoids awkward conversations and it's just easier. And for that ease we trade actual understanding and aligned expectations. For example, you’re in a monogamous relationship. Obviously that means you’re not allowed to watch porn.

Or perhaps you expect your partner to give up the password to their phone. Because relationships are about transparency and so obviously partners are meant to share everything.

You’re a man, of course if we go out on a date you’re paying.

You’re a woman, of course if we plan to start a family you’re going to stay home & look after the kids.

I could go on. It may be based on relationship experiences, societal norms and pressures or differing cultural values - among other things. The point is that an explicit conversation to create an agreement hasn’t happened. What seems obvious or normal to one party may not be to the other, and so that person might have no idea they’ve crossed a line or not matched up to expectations. A common response when confronted?

“How was I supposed to know if we never talked about it?”

The emotional landscape in the wake of a broken unspoken agreement is murky. There's anger and disbelief for the partner who is hurt. There can also be a questioning of whether their pain is actually valid. Am I overthinking this? Am I being unreasonable? 

For the other party, there can be genuine confusion, bewilderment and indignation. Resentment, too. How can you hold me to a standard I don’t even know about? And there is also guilt, as you recognise that your partner is hurt. Then defensiveness sweeps in to muddy things up a bit more. We never talked about this!

This all affects how the conversation after the fact plays out. One party claims "you should have known", the other asks "how could I have known?" Debates turn to whose idea of a relationship is actually correct. The exchanges are messy and can become repetitive. 

The challenges here are, first of all, getting stuck in this initial loop. The debate is constant and neither side is in position to actually hear and validate the pain or feelings of the other. There is a question of fairness and anxiety about what other unspoken assumptions exist. Relationship models, influenced by culture, family history, religion and more, collide and there is a battle to decide whose version of ‘normal’ gets to stay put. And in the wake of this ‘agreement’ being broken, rules can be made after the fact, and it's not uncommon for them to feel unfair or even punitive as they are used in place of addressing the actual pain being experienced.

And, there is one more thing to consider.

It would be great if everything was so binary and clear cut. The reality is that it’s common for a lot of agreements or assumptions to fall into a bit of an in-between.

It could be that conversations are had at surface level without clarifying specific details, like promising to ‘be honest’ with each other without discussing what being honest actually means. Or agreeing that you are monogamous but not actually defining what actions could violate that understanding. 

There is societal & cultural normativity to contend with, which makes things seem so obvious they don’t need to be discussed. Gender roles are a clear example. 

And finally, there can be situations where an agreement is spoken about but not actually internalised by one party. For instance, it's discussed that protection will be used when having sex outside of the primary relationship (“primary” being a feature of a hierarchical polyamorous structure). One person may have said ‘yes’ but didn't actually think through the implications - maybe this conversation happened at a time when they hadn't yet engaged with any new connections. Or perhaps it has been so long since the agreement was originally made that it's been forgotten about. 

This is not to excuse actions that break a relationship agreement or assumed understanding, nor to minimise their impact. Just to highlight that, like most things in life, there is often nuance.

Okay, deep breath. Let's bring it all together. What’s the benefit of taking time to understand what’s happened after a relationship agreement is broken?

Firstly, rushing to solve the issue will often create more of them. Gaining clarity on whether the understanding was explicitly stated or implicitly assumed is important. In the case of the latter, it creates opportunity for all parties to explore their relationship expectations and, further down the line, begin making intentional agreements that align with what you really value. For already stated agreements, conversations can begin to clarify the ‘why’ and what next. Perhaps, in time, that leads to agreements with a clearer understanding from all parties.

But then what? Considering if repair is actually possible.