A Relationship Agreement Was Broken: Is Repair Possible?

I appreciate I’ve been writing this in linear, sequential order; however, it's likely things won't play out so tidily. 

You’ll be trying to understand what’s happened while also deciding if repair is possible and something you actually want to do. It may be that in order to understand what happened, you have to first decide that you want to repair the relationship. In the process of understanding what happened, some things may be uncovered that send you right back to a place that feels like crisis, and so you find yourself asking for more time/space.

I’m afraid the path forward is not an easy one. But there is a path. And there are things which can be identified to see if it's actually worth the effort or not, for both the party who broke boundaries and the one hurt by that fact.

Can this be fixed?

Should you even try?

What if you make the wrong choice?

Big one, that last question. It’s something that can leave you stuck in between decisions. There’s the fear of making a mistake and the consequences which might come of that. There’s a fear of being hurt once more. There’s a fear that what the relationship once was, it can never be again. So, where to start?

Well, first I want to address a common trap all too easy to fall into. It’s a societal message we have all received, especially in Western culture and its romanticised ideals, whether you realise it or not. It’s the idea that you’re supposed to fight for love. 

Quitters never win. 

If you give up, was it actually real love? 

If you loved them enough you would stay and fix things. 

And so on. Really, you’re not to blame if you find yourself thinking this way. Whether it’s songs, social media, wisdom passed down from family or advice from friends, there is a binary way we as a society view love & commitment that can make the task of repair seem impossible. So I offer a different way to think about it.

Whether you decide to go through a process of repair, or decide that this is the end of the relationship - both can be acts of love. For yourself, for your partner(s), for what the relationship used to be. You don't have to persevere; you do not have to be strong enough. You are not a failure if you choose not to try. This is about deciding what is right for you, not trying to measure up to a societal expectation. Pause, breathe and let yourself off the hook. This is your life, your relationship. 

Got it? 

Good! Let’s look at some factors that can help you choose what’s best for both those things. First, two questions: 

If you have broken the relationship agreement(s), are you capable of change?

• Taking accountability for your actions

• Making an effort to understand the impact of those actions

• Willing to reflect on yourself and difficult truths

If you’re the one hurt by the relationship agreement being broken, are you willing & able to do the work?

• You have the emotional capacity to engage in this process

• Wanting to repair vs feeling like you should

• You can see a future (even a distant one) where you’re able to trust again

These two questions are separate but connected, and the ‘answer’ to both must be affirmative.

One person cannot repair a relationship. If either party is not on board, it's going to be bloody difficult to get to an eventual point of resolution. And as I said above, that doesn’t make one a failure. It’s an honest choice to do the thing that an individual feels serves them, the relationship and their partner(s) best.

So, all parties say YES to those questions. How does one assess for genuine accountability, or a genuine desire to repair?

The person who violated the agreement:

They take full responsibility, even though it is incredibly uncomfortable. They understand that this process will take time. They do not rush the other party to forgive them. They accept that rebuilding trust will likely be a slow process, and they don't make a weapon of their own guilt/shame along the way (like constantly beating themselves up when trying to discuss next steps).

In the meantime, they sit with the other party’s pain and don’t respond to their upset with defensiveness. They are patient with their process and do not push them to ‘get over it’.

Where red flags may show up:

Impatience with the process, resentment about answering questions:

• "How long are you going to be upset about this?"

• "I said I'm sorry, what more do you want?"

Non-apologies, focusing on their discomfort vs the other party’s pain:

• "I'm sorry you feel that way"

• "I'm sorry but..." (followed by justification)

• "I apologised already, what more do you want?"

Shifting the blame, where their choice becomes the other party’s fault:

• "You weren't giving me what I needed"

• "Anyone would have done the same in my position"

Minimising the violation, deflecting from their actions:

• "You're overreacting"

• "At least I didn't..." (comparing to worse scenarios)

• "It's not as bad as you're making it out to be"

More concerned with consequences than understanding impact on the other party & relationship:

• Worried about who will find out and focused on their reputation

• Anxious about losing you more so than recognising the hurt they’ve caused 

And for the person hurt by the relationship agreement being broken, some things to seriously consider:

Your actual capacity for this work:

How is your emotional bandwidth right now? Your mental health? What support systems do you have in place and how available are they to you? Are there other life stressors occurring at the same time as this?

What is needed for you to feel safe: 

Can you articulate it? Is what you need reasonable/possible? Does your partner understand and accept what you need?

Do you want this?

You’ve been together for months/years and invested so much time and energy, surely common sense says it's better to just stick it out. That’s fear talking. That’s a societal or cultural or religious or insert whatever value fits best there should’ing all over you. Tell everyone to shut up for a minute. What do you actually want to do?

Can You Imagine Trusting Them Again?

Can you even picture it. Just a little, even if it seems far, far down the line. Is there a scenario where you feel safe with them again? I’m not asking you to know for certain; right now that’s probably beyond you and that isn’t your fault. But I am asking you to think about what is possible and I know that’s hard. Because if you can only imagine yourself being on hyper alert, watching every future action and analysing every word…frankly, do you want to live that way? 

I‘ve focused here on the individual, points to reflect on for yourself and suggestions for what can represent a good chance repair is possible from the other. There is also the relationship itself to consider, and that’s what we’ll discuss next.