How to Find a Polyamory-Friendly Counsellor in Birmingham
- Peter Holder (MNCPS)
- 15 hours ago
- 5 min read
Loads of counsellors will tell you they're open-minded. And they mean it, too. But there's a significant gap between a counsellor who won't judge your relationship structure and one who actually knows what they're working with.
This guide is for anyone in Birmingham trying to find support that meets them where they actually are. Here's what to look for, what to avoid, and how to find the right person without burning through your budget figuring it out.
'Open-Minded' Doesn't Always Cut It
An affirming counsellor isn't just someone who won't tell you to break up with your partners. It's someone who understands the specific terrain of ethical/consensual non-monogamy. That includes the emotional dynamics, relational complexity and the pressure that can come with navigating a relationship structure most of society still treats as unusual. At best.
Think about the kinds of things you might bring to therapy:
• Jealousy that came out of nowhere as you start opening up your relationship
• Envy because your partner is getting more attention or going on more dates
• Managing time, energy, and emotional bandwidth across multiple relationships
• Conflict between your partners - and you feel caught in the middle
• Being out as non-monogamous at work, with family, or in spaces where it's complicated
• Feeling like you're failing at something other people seem to do effortlessly
A counsellor who needs you to explain and re-explain the basics of non-monogamy (like what a metamour is) before they can engage with any of the above may not be the right fit. Also, if some of these terms/concepts are new to you, check out the glossary.
Red Flags to Watch For
Some of these are obvious. Others are subtle enough that you don't clock them until you're several sessions in and wondering why things feel slightly off.
Treating your relationship structure as the presenting problem
This one can be hard to spot. It shows up as conversations that keep circling back to whether non-monogamy is 'really working for you', or an implicit assumption that a monogamous relationship is the natural destination. A counsellor ought to take your relationship structure as a given and help you work within it.
Conflating ENM with avoidant attachment
Non-monogamy can be framed as a symptom of fear of intimacy, or unresolved something-or-other. But those things can coexist with a non-monogamous lifestyle. They're not caused by it, and a counsellor who conflates the two isn't working from a solid evidence base.
Vague reassurances with nothing behind them
'I work with all kinds of relationships' and 'I'm very open-minded' are not the same as actual knowledge. When you ask specific questions, pay attention to whether the answers show real familiarity or just goodwill. Both are well-intentioned, but only one is actually useful.
Only working in a couples model
If their whole practice is built around dyadic (two people) couples work, they may struggle with solo poly clients, people in larger configurations, or the specific dynamics of working with one person in a multi-partner network. Worth checking early.
Where to Search in Birmingham
Many people’s search will start here, but you'll need to be a bit more targeted with what you’re typing in. Specify Polyamory or ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy) in your search, so something like “polyamory counselling Birmingham”.
Directories
Psychology Today and Counselling Directory are two of the most popular directories in the UK. Both have fairly comprehensive filtering features, so you can select for counsellors who have non-monogamy listed in their specialised fields. You can also manually search, using terms like 'polyamory', 'open relationships', or 'ENM' to find profiles where these terms are used.
There are also more specialised directories, like Pink Therapy. There can be a lot of overlap between LGBTQ+ communites & non-monogamy. Pink Therapy is a directory catering specifically to these LGBTQ+ clients, which can be a useful signal of trust for some.
Community recommendations
Local Facebook groups (here's a West Midlands group for example), online groups or chats, and in-person events are worth engaging with. People who've found a good counsellor in the area can share that information and make a genuine recommendation. When it comes from someone who's been in the same position as you, that can be really helpful - especially if you’re worried about how a counsellor may respond to you.
What to look for in a profile
Specific language is a better signal than general claims. Phrases like 'relationship diversity', 'ENM-affirming', or an explicit mention of polyamory or open relationships mean something. Some counsellors may also refer to their own experiences with non-monogamy. 'Non-judgmental' and 'works with all clients' are probably true, but they don't tell you much about what the person actually knows.
Questions to Ask in a Consultation
Most counsellors offer a short initial consultation before you commit to working together. Use it deliberately. Here's some suggestions on what to ask.
'Do you have experience working with clients in ENM or polyamorous relationships?'
Straightforward opener, and you're listening for specifics. Not just a ‘yes’, but some indication of what that looks like in practice. What kinds of situations have they worked with, for instance.
'Have you done any specific training or CPD around ethical non-monogamy?'
Don’t expect a specialist qualification, necessarily. But some indication that they've actively sought out knowledge in this area shows intention, like a workshop or a course or a particular reading (e.g Polysecure or The Relationship Escalator). It's the difference between knowledge and goodwill.
'Are you familiar with specific dynamics/challenges that come up in ENM relationships?'
A question to gauge knowledge & experience, you’ll probably get back an answer that touches things like jealousy/envy, metamour relationships and variations of polyamory from a counsellor who knows their stuff.
'What’s your personal view on ethical non-monogamy?'
A direct question, but the right counsellor will be neutral and affirming on the topic rather than simply tolerant. If they seem flustered, vague, or subtly disapproving, trust your instinct.
'Are you comfortable working with more than two people in a session if needed, or supporting me in navigating multiple partnerships at once?'
If that’s relevant for you, ask it early. Some counsellors will find navigating multiple configurations genuinely tricky. Better to know now.
Listen to your gut throughout. A counsellor with real familiarity will feel different from one who's doing their best from limited knowledge. Both mean well, but only one will actually help.
What Good Counselling Actually Feels Like
So you've found someone and you've started. Here's how to know it's the right fit.
Your relationship structure should feel like context, not subject matter. A good counsellor holds it with the same matter-of-fact acceptance they'd bring to any other aspect of your life.
You feel able to bring real complexity, such as conflict between partners, difficult feelings about hierarchy, New Relationship Energy that's causing friction, scheduling that's making everyone miserable — without that complexity being read as evidence that the whole structure is the problem. The right counsellor will have examined their own assumptions about relationships. They've grown up in the same mononormative world you have. They know it, and they hold that in check.
Finally, there’s a difference between being asked a question to clarify something versus constantly having to translate basic terms - like metamour, nesting partner or solo polyamory (see glossary for more on these). If you're several sessions in and still doing more educating than processing, it's okay to name it. It's also okay to look elsewhere. Counselling is an investment in yourself. Find someone who's actually equipped to support you in that investment.
Getting Support
I'm a NCPS accredited relationship counsellor, specialising in ENM. I support clients online across the UK and in-person in Birmingham. Find out more about me here.
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