What Is Non-Monogamy?

There's a lot of content out there about non-monogamy. 

A lot of it is about telling you what non-monogamy is, what the terms mean, and how to get started. Polyamory in particular seems to be gaining more visibility in online spaces. What’s often missing is a tangible sense of how it feels to actually live it. The not-so-glamorous, sometimes confusing "am I doing this wrong?" version that doesn’t get as much attention.

That's what this is about.

What does “Non-Monogamy” mean?

Non-monogamy, or ethical/consensual non-monogamy (CNM/ENM), is an umbrella term. Under that umbrella are lots of different structures: polyamory, open relationships, relationship anarchy and others. Each one looks a bit different in practice, and really, plenty people end up creating something that doesn't fit so neatly into a single label. 

If you want the full rundown on what all the terms mean, the glossary breaks down the basics. For now though, just know that non-monogamy isn't one fixed thing. It's whatever you and your partner(s) decide it is, as long as everyone's on the same page.

Essentially then, non-monogamy is any relationship structure where there is an agreed possibility of multiple romantic and/or sexual connections. You are not romantically and/or sexually exclusive to each other. The ethical/consensual bit is key. Everyone involved knows about what is taking place, otherwise it is unethical and non-consensual. 

One thing quickly before I move on. From here I will be referring to ethical/consensual non-monogamy as just non-monogamy. Have you noticed how monogamous people don’t need to add that they’re ethical or consensual? Monogamy enjoys the benefits of being assumed to be that way. Non-monogamy, on the other hand, is expected to be justified over & over again. Well, dear reader, I’m going to assume ethical & consensual intent and keep it moving.

Non-Monogamy Idealised

How did you discover non-monogamy? 

Maybe you fell spectacularly down a rabbit hole of social media videos and Reddit threads, then you kept going and found yourself poring through blog post after blog post, clicking every link on Google until the whole page was purple. Or maybe that’s just me. However you did it, somewhere along the line you thought "could this work for me?".

So you gave it a go. And somewhere between the theory and the reality... it got complicated. It’s not working out as well as every other example you’ve seen. You go back to wherever you originally discovered non-monogamy. Often, that’s online spaces, and when you look…

…everyone's loved up. 

The metamours are best mates. 

Jealousy? Hell no. Instead, compersion's flowing like a tap that never runneth dry. 

These people have cracked the code. They get along beautifully and everything just works. Meanwhile, you’re scratching your head wondering “what am I doing wrong?” or even “what’s wrong with me?” You look for advice, which can often be:

Just communicate better.

Do the inner work.

If you're struggling, you haven't healed enough yet.

Communicating is important. Doing the introspection definitely does help. But there is also an influential narrative which sounds like: if you're finding this hard, the problem is you. It's a lot of pressure to put on yourself, no? Especially when navigating something most people around you don't even understand.

What Non-Monogamy Actually Looks Like

I had a time where I struggled to tell my partner I was feeling jealous. They were exploring a new connection and for some reason this time it just bothered me.

I am a counsellor. I am literally trained in the business of relationships. I also help run a peer support group for polyamory in Birmingham and jealousy is a topic we’ve explored. NEVERTHELESS! I struggled. Why? How much time do you have? Okay I joke, but seriously, the following things played their own part in it:

• I’m a man. Cultural & social influences have taught me that men do not express their emotions. Doing so is weakness, weakness is vulnerability and who likes to feel vulnerable?

• A man should also be capable of solving his own problems. Jealousy is my problem, no? I don’t want to make it my partner’s.

• Telling myself “I’ve been non-monogamous for a bit now, come on, this isn’t that big of a deal”.

• Then when I clocked all of this going on in my head, I began beating myself up about it because, hey, I’m a relationship counsellor for god’s sake. I should know better.

• 
  

What made me finally speak up was an evening together where I recognised that my mood was positively foul, because that jealousy was just stewing inside me. Even then, I accidentally framed the conversation as “we need to have a serious talk”, which led to my partner feeling anxious & upset. So I had to first assure them, wait no, I am not upset with you, you’ve done nothing wrong - before finally being able to say “look, this sounds stupid, but I’m feeling jealous…”

First, it’s not stupid; it’s quite normal. 

Second, why are you telling me this, Peter?

Have a look again at that list of things holding me back from saying something. I imagine, if you think about it, you have your own scenario and your own set of stories. I mentioned earlier about monogamy and the assumptions granted to it. Fact is, neither you nor I created the world we live in. It’s a world where monogamy is established as the norm. It dominates every facet of our lives from the word ‘go’, whether we realise it or not. In that world, jealousy is bad bad bad.

And what about my experience of being a man? The world we live in has stories & beliefs about that, too. What about age? The colour of one’s skin? The job you work? There is baggage to carry - or privilege granted - no matter what arena of life you exist in. Some things are just outside of our control, but recognising that means we can take ownership of the things which are. Despite all those ‘stories’ weighing down on me, I chose to be a man who expresses his emotions & trusts his partner to not see it as weakness. 

We don’t decide the nature of the world we’re born into, but we can decide who we want to be within it. Non-monogamy, in that sense, is a radical choice.

The Playbook For Non-Monogamy

There isn’t one. What we all carry, though, is a playbook for monogamy. 

It’s likely you’d never seen an example (a healthy, positive one at least) of a non-monogamous relationship before you discovered non-monogamy was a thing. Naturally then, when you discover it, you lean on things you learned consciously & unconsciously from monogamous examples or your personal experience to navigate this new, different way of doing relationships. But, through no fault of your own, that’s where the problems start. And when they do, who or what can you turn to for support?

According to this YouGov tracker between 1-2% of the UK population (69 million) are currently in a polyamorous relationship. That’s around 700,000 people. And that doesn't account for how that population is distributed across the country. Suppose you don’t live in or near some of the major cities like Manchester or London, how do you find other non-monogamous people? Nevermind dating, just for a sense of in-person community and support? You may not feel able to share with your social circle what’s going on for you, and even if you can you may feel like you’re always having to explain, justify, educate…and that just gets tiring.

So, of course, you head online. And while there are steadily more content creators out there talking about non-monogamy, you still often are presented with carefully edited/curated content missing important context, or media that is heavily focused on one kind of non-monogamy - typically the closed triad featuring one heterosexual man and two bisexual women. 

If you’re in a monogamous relationship, you can pretty much turn to anyone and say “help me”. There are a million resources at your fingertips. But now imagine your partner & your metamour have fallen out, and both of them are coming to you separately to vent about the other person? If you’re an OG you are probably nodding sagely reading that sentence. Most people will likely stare blankly if you ever tried to explain it.

I’m laboring the point here. What I’m trying to say is the journey of non-monogamy can sometimes feel like a lonely one. There can be so much pressure, from external sources and from yourself, to “do it right”. What you’ve learned from monogamy often doesn’t apply; you’re building something from scratch without a trusty manual. 

Okay, Non-Monogamy Is Hard. Now What?

Here's the thing: not everyone needs the same kind of support. Lots of people who were non-monogamous long before the rise of social media, for example, found ways to figure it out through trial and error. And trial & error is still the way a lot of people work their way through things. What tends to help, though, comes down to a few key things:

Finding non-monogamy communities near you: Whether that's local meet-ups, or support groups - spaces where you're not constantly leading with explainers before being able to talk about your experience. I’d suggest using Google and/or Facebook to find them. You can also find online communities this way.

Being honest about what's actually happening: With your partners, with yourself, and with people who can handle hearing it without trying to fix or convince you that non-monogamy isn't for you.

Recognise that struggling doesn't mean failure: You can’t pop into Waterstones and pick up the guidebook to non-monogamy. You are unlearning a lot of things. You're having conversations most people never have to have. Of course it's hard. Doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

Get support that understands the context: Whether that's peer support, community, or professional help, having someone who doesn't need the whole “okay, so I’m not cheating on my partner…” or “this is what a metamour is…” explainer before you can talk about what's actually going on makes a huge difference. Educating people all the time is tiring, especially before you can get to the part where you're supported.

There’s no such thing as perfect. In fact, I like to say that practice makes progress. So this isn’t about fixing yourself or "doing the work" until you achieve a state of emotional zen where nothing bothers you anymore. Engaging in relationships differently, in a world that prescribes one way of doing relationships, is complex. This is about going on that journey with honesty, self-compassion, and ideally not entirely on your own. 

So, What Is Non-Monogamy?

It's whatever you and your partner(s) make it. 

It's not a perfectly curated version you may see online; it's the version where you sometimes get it wrong, feel things you didn't expect to feel, and where you're genuinely making it up as you go. It can be messy, with the learning curves & uncomfortable conversations that come with building something without a blueprint.

If you're still getting your head around the terminology, the glossary breaks down the basics. If you're dealing with challenges and could use some support navigating it, relationship counselling might help.

Either way, you're not alone in this.