A Relationship Agreement Was Broken: What Are We Repairing?

Severity of the violation matters. I think it's important to start here as this is a very personal judgment that can easily be swayed by friends, family, societal or cultural expectations…the list goes on and on. Arguably, there are some things we can universally agree to be very severe, for example:

Deception about major life facts - like having a secret family

Financial betrayals - such as gambling activity that affects family finances 

Endangering sexual health - engaging in sexual activity without informing about pre-existing STIs

And then there are what could be considered grey areas:

Emotional affairs - for some, cheating is specifically about sexual activity with another person

Porn - some see porn use as cheating, or disrespectful, or a cause for insecurity

Opposite sex friendships - are you “allowed” to have friends of the opposite gender? Are there expectations of what can/can’t happen when around them?

Breaching privacy - sharing intimate details of the relationship outside of it, without permission e.g with friends, ex-partners, metamours

Financial autonomy vs. transparency - if I'm using my own money, do I have to tell you every time I make a purchase? Where’s the line?

Social media boundaries - who are you allowed to be connected with? Do you have access to each other’s accounts?

Neither are exhaustive lists. 

If severity is a spectrum, what counts as an absolute no-no to me may not be for you. What one person considers unforgivable, another may be willing to forgive. How severe something seems to you will be influenced by more things than I can name. Upbringing, culture, relationship history, and more. It’s a very personal thing and so, in the moment, you have to ask yourself if a line has been crossed that you can’t tolerate. Not friends, family or society, but YOU.

What Are Your Personal Dealbreakers?

A dealbreaker is akin to a line drawn in the sand in your relationship. If this thing happens, it’s finished. The violation is one that makes continuing the relationship impossible. Your dealbreakers may be influenced by past relationship experience, treatment you won’t accept or based on values you refuse to compromise on. In an ideal world, you’d be clear about every possible scenario that falls under that category. In reality, sometimes you just might not know for sure. 

As with most things, context matters. What may have been a dealbreaker initially, you could find yourself feeling the desire to negotiate. What you once thought you could forgive, you may find in the moment becomes a hard line*. I guide you here to listen to your gut, intuition, or whatever you personally call it. While there will be many other voices that can sway your decision-making, be honest with yourself. This isn't about what you wish you could tolerate. 

* (Please prioritise your personal safety amidst all this. Ultimately you make your own choices, but violations involving abuse or coercion should not be things you are negotiating with).

Tunnel Vision

We’re very focused on the violation itself at the moment, which is reasonable. It's also a bit of a trap.

Understandably, when a relationship agreement is broken, that becomes what you focus on - the violation at the end of the tunnel so to speak. The blinkers are on to everything else in the relationship and it can also morph into a filter, through which every element of the relationship seems to be fed through. And so we must ask - 

Was This A Good Relationship Before?

When the violation feels so severe, even making an attempt at ‘understanding’ can seem like we’re trying to excuse what’s happened. Not so. The answer(s) to this question shapes the path moving forwards. So let’s consider it.

Think back to before the violation was discovered. A week, a month, a year. Were your needs being met? Feel safe to be yourself? Did it seem like you were on the same team with your partner(s), or butting heads all the time?  Were you happy? And if you can look back and say, yes there was a good thing going here, what exactly made it good? Take some time to really think about that. The romance & intimacy? Good communication? Previous challenges you’ve overcome? Care and being cared for? The sense of ease and being able to have fun together? 

Perhaps when you take this moment to look back, you recognise the solid foundation your relationship’s built on. There is a positive history to draw from and that inspires a desire to rebuild. You remember what ‘good’ looks like and there is a shared motivation to get back to that.

It could be that you see something else though. 

You may struggle to call up anything good about the relationship. 

Again, first I encourage you to take some time to think on this because the filter of recent hurt colours a lot of things. But it may be that the relationship was always struggling, the foundation always cracked. Communication has broken down, turning more often than not to bickering. You could have been growing apart for some time now, feeling lonely even when together. Intimacy has declined, physically & emotionally. You’re roommates instead of partners. 

Do you even like each other anymore?

I’ve painted this in very clear, opposite strokes but the fact is sometimes it can be hard to answer this question. You had some good times; it wasn’t all that bad. There are lows, but you stay for the highs. Et cetera. 

I find that building a timeline for yourself can be helpful, starting right from the beginning: how did you meet? Don’t skip the details; explore as minutely as you can each moment. What attracted you to them? How did you let them know? What was their response? What was your first date like? And so on. Because there wouldn’t be a relationship now if you never ever liked this person. 

All this leads to a decision. Do you want to repair this specific relationship? Do you want a relationship with this specific person? 

It may be the answer is yes. There is a good enough foundation for the relationship and while there is hurt in the moment, you can envision a future together.

Perhaps you do not want to repair the relationship that was, but you do want to be in one with the person who has broken the agreement. Where do you go from here? The task ahead is figuring out what was missing, what you hope for instead and what a brand new relationship can look like. And of course, vice versa. If you’re reading this as the person who broke the relationship agreement, you also have a decision to make.

And maybe you decide your response to both questions is no. In recalling the history of your relationship, and how doing so makes you feel, you decide the best you’ll get out of this are lessons about what you don’t want in future relationships.

Repair takes work. Understanding what you’re trying to repair and whether it's even worth it is important. You may not know yet. Give yourself some time, feel your feelings and gather the information you need. Remember that you don’t have to ‘save’ things. You may have people aplenty telling you otherwise, in person and via social media. You are also very much allowed to try, even though you may very well be judged for it. It's your life, and your relationship.

What would you like to do?