How to Talk to Your Partner About Opening Up Your Relationship

The Conversation You're Avoiding

You've been thinking about this for a while now, haven't you?

Maybe it started as a passing thought - something you read online, a conversation with a friend, or just a quiet "what if?" that stuck with you. 

Non-monogamy. 

Opening up your relationship. 

Polyamory. 

You’re still testing out the words, like trying on a new fit. What makes the most sense? You’re still figuring that out, but what you know for sure is the once passing thought has become a thing you actually want to explore. Ah, but here comes the dilemma. 

You haven't told your partner yet.

You’ve done the dress rehearsals in your mind, and sometimes you get close. There's a quiet moment where you could actually start the conversation, but you find a reason not to. The timing's not right, or they seem stressed, or you're just not sure how to phrase it. Maybe you should wait until after this weekend, or after that work thing, or until you've thought about it a bit more. You've considered whether you should just send them articles/reels/TikToks first before saying anything. 

The thing is the longer you sit with this, the bigger it gets. It’s turned into a huge, relationship-defining moment in your head. The stakes feel enormous. This conversation could change everything about your relationship. Even if you're pretty sure you want to have it, that doesn't make it any less terrifying. And damn, when you’re looking at it like that, frankly who wouldn't put that off?

Of course you would. 

So let's talk about how to actually have The Talk.

The Work That Comes First

Okay, so before you do anything there's some things to think about. Going in half-clear on what you actually want does wonders for making the conversation more complicated. First, a tip: get a journal.

Putting physical pen to paper is, in its own way, therapeutic. Allow yourself to write without filter, pause, cross things out, do that thing where you put a small arrow and squeeze tiny words above what you just crossed out. Let it be messy. You are witnessing your thought process in real-time. Of course, while I highly suggest writing, you may prefer a different method. Whether it’s typing into your notes app or recording your voice - however you want to do it, do it.

What’s cool about all this is being able to pull an old journal from the archives, so to speak, flip it open and start time travelling. So, I can tell you that the first thought I wrote down about non-monogamy was:“Non-monogamy interests me. It feels like being able to have my independence while still committed to the relationship.”

Get Clear on Your Own "Why"

Why do you want this? Not the surface-level answer. Not just "I'm curious about polyamory" or "I think non-monogamy makes sense." Dig deeper. What are you actually seeking?

Something specific that feels missing in your current relationship? The freedom to explore parts of yourself you've kept quiet? You don't have to have it all figured out, but "I don't know, it just seems interesting" ain’t cutting it when your partner asks why this matters to you.

And what version of non-monogamy are you even imagining? There are a lot of different ways to do this. Are you picturing casual dates? Deep romantic connections? Something primarily sexual? Do you know yet, or are you still working it out?

When I dug into this for myself, I figured out that independence actually meant not being responsible for one person’s every relational need. You’re probably heard people say “they are my lover, best friend, counsellor, business partner…” and so on. That, to me, is way too much pressure. And I don’t want any one person to be all of those things for me.

It's okay not to have all the answers, but at least know what questions you're asking.

Examine Your Fears

What are you afraid will happen when you bring this up?

Are you afraid your partner will leave? That they'll think you don't love them anymore? Or they'll think you're already cheating? Perhaps that they will resent you for even just asking?

Acknowledging your fears doesn't make them go away, but it does mean you're less likely to be blindsided by them mid-conversation. And some fears are more about your partner than about you, which means you can separate "my partner is upset" from "my worst fear is happening and everything is falling apart."

Check Your Expectations

What are you expecting to happen?

Are you expecting them to have already been thinking about this too? Are you expecting them to say yes? Are you expecting one conversation to sort everything out? Do you think if you just present it the right way - calmly, rationally, with all your reasoning lined up - they'll definitely agree?

Expectations are tricky. They can be a great way to set yourself up for disappointment even when things go reasonably well. Your partner might need time. They might say no. They might say yes but have a very different version of non-monogamy in mind than you do. They might react in ways you didn't predict.

None of that means the conversation's failed, rather it just didn’t play out exactly how you scripted it to. Which, really, it never does.

What This Conversation ISN'T

To understand what this conversation is, let's clear up what it's not. Because I reckon lots of anxiety comes from misunderstanding what you're actually doing here.

It's NOT a betrayal.

Sometimes people feel like even wanting non-monogamy is a betrayal of their partner or relationship. It's not. Wanting something different does not mean you don't love them, or that what you have isn't good, or that your partner is suddenly worth less. It just means you want something different. That's allowed.

It's NOT asking permission to cheat.

Wanting to explore non-monogamy isn't the same as wanting to cheat. Cheating is deception; you’d be hiding your intentions, and this is decidedly the opposite. You're being honest about what you want. If anything, having this conversation is specifically not cheating.

It's NOT an ultimatum.

Unless it genuinely is, and if it is that's a different conversation entirely. If you're framing it as "we do this or I'm leaving," you probably need to be clear with yourself about that first. Ideally, this is about opening up a door to a conversation. Which is it for you?

It's NOT about convincing them non-monogamy is objectively better.

It’s probably not wise to lecture about how monogamy is a social construct, or why you feel polyamory is more evolved or what have you. This is a conversation about what you want and whether that's something you can explore together, not a debate you need to win.

It's NOT a one-time chat where everything gets decided.

This isn't a meeting where you present your expertly researched case, they give their verdict and bish-bash-bosh it's sorted. This is where the conversation between you begins. You’re not likely to walk away with fully formed decisions and full understanding in just one chat.

What This Conversation Actually IS

It's the start of an ongoing dialogue.

Think of this as writing the first sentence of a new chapter. It’s the beginning of working out what this could look like, what concerns exist and what questions need answering. 

It's sharing something important about yourself.

You're taking a risk here, by saying something that could change how they see you and the relationship - and you’ve no clue how it'll land. Nevertheless, you are doing it, because this is you being honest about what you want. You're not demanding anything or issuing ultimatums; you're just saying "this is something I've been thinking about, it matters to me and I’d like to share why with you." 

It's inviting them into exploration.

Notice I said inviting, not demanding they come along. You're asking if this is something they'd be willing to explore with you. They might. They might not. All you're doing is opening the door to that conversation.

It's a moment of truth in your relationship.

And oh yeah, that’ll probably feel uncomfortable. But this conversation, however it goes, tells you something real about the relationship. About whether you can talk honestly about difficult things. How you both handle uncertainty and being vulnerable with each other. And about what you want and whether those wants can coexist.

That's what this conversation is. 

Practical Guidance for “The Talk”

You've done the internal work, you're clearer on what this conversation is (and isn't). Now let's talk about actually having it.

Timing Matters

Don't have this conversation when either of you is already tired, stressed, or dealing with something else. Not right before bed or when one of you has to leave for work in twenty minutes. And definitely not during a disagreement/argument.

Pick a time when you've both got the emotional bandwidth, allowing you to sit with whatever comes up without having to rush off to take care of something else. Weekend mornings? Quiet evenings when nothing else is scheduled? You know your partner's rhythms better than I do - choose what makes the most sense.

How to Start

Lead with your feelings, not with polyamory theory. Don't open with "so there’s this thing called ethical non-monogamy and here's why it makes sense..." You're sharing something personal and ‘I’ statements are a great way to begin.

For example: "I've been thinking about something important and I’d like to share my feelings about it with you." Simple, direct and doesn’t drop a bomb in your partner’s lap.

And, from personal experience, please don't lead with "we need to have a serious talk". Unless you want to put them on edge before you've even started!

During the Conversation

Give them space to react. Whatever their first response is - surprise, confusion, anger, curiosity - let them have it. Don't immediately jump in to defend yourself (you haven’t done anything wrong) or explain why they shouldn't feel that way.

Instead, spend that energy on listening to what they're saying. Not what you may have prepared counterarguments for. What they're actually saying, right now, at this moment. Ask questions - not to interrogate, but from a place of genuine curiosity. You want to understand where they are at. What are they thinking? What would they need to know? What scares them about this? 

It's okay, by the way, to say "I don't know yet." This may seem contradictory to my earlier suggestion of ‘get clear on your why’. That still stands; be as clear as you can. But even when you do, there are questions like “how exactly is this going to work?” or “what will we tell the kids?” that you just won’t know how to respond to - and you’ll probably feel like you have to. You’re not going to have all the answers, and you don’t have to. 

Finally, please, don't lecture. 

You might have done loads of research. You might have thoughts about why non-monogamy makes sense, or how society defaults to monogamy & the privilege that it offers, or wouldn’t it be so wonderful for both of us if we did relationships like this, and so on. Save it. If they want resources later, great, but right now isn't the time to educate them. 

If It Doesn't Go Well

I know you don’t want to think about that, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the other person reacts badly, the conversation goes sideways and ends in tears, silence or anger. Your worst nightmare, probably what you’ve spent the most time worrying about.

However, that doesn't mean it's over. Strong reactions aren't the end of the world. Your partner might need time to process feelings of shock, hurt, confusion - and fair enough. Those are normal reactions to something unexpected and potentially threatening to the relationship as they know it.

You can revisit this. Not immediately, mind. Give it some space. But "the conversation went badly" doesn't mean "we can never talk about this again." It means the first conversation was hard. Which, yeah. It often is. 

Please don’t beat yourself up for sticking your neck out, so to speak. You probably don’t appreciate at this moment the courage it takes to even broach this topic. In the world we presently live in, as I write this, non-monogamy is not ‘normal’. It represents something different and radical, and that can scare people. You could have decided to explore it without your partner’s knowledge; instead, you chose to face your fear and do the difficult thing. You can do it again.

What Happens After

So the conversation's happened. Now what? Depends entirely on what they said, and even then it's rarely as straightforward as "yes," "no," or "maybe." Let's break down what different responses might actually mean and where you go from there.

If They Say Yes

Brilliant! They're open to exploring this with you. I’m genuinely happy for you.

But hold on a second. I know you just grabbed your phone to start downloading Hinge/Feeld/OkCupid and planning your first date with someone else. "Yes" is the beginning of a much longer conversation, not the end of one.

Some questions worth sitting with together:

• What does "yes" actually mean to them? Are they enthusiastic, or are they agreeing because they're afraid of losing you?

• What are their fears, even if they're saying yes?

• What version of non-monogamy are they picturing? Because it might be different to what you had in mind.

• What do they need to feel secure as you explore this?

• 
  

Enthusiasm in the moment doesn't always equal agreement in the long term. You know what they say about assumptions. Don't take this initial "yes" to mean everything's sorted. Check in. Keep talking. 

If They Say No

That's tough to hear, especially after you've worked up the courage to bring it to the table. But don’t walk away deflated just yet. Here's the thing: what kind of "no" is it?

Is it "absolutely not, this isn't something I can do"? Or is it "I need time to think about this"? Or "not right now, but maybe in the future"?

Those are very different responses, even if they all sound like a hard "no" at the moment. In simple terms, are they saying not now, or not ever?

If it is a firm no - as in, this isn't something they're willing to explore, full stop - then you've got a decision to make. Can you accept that answer and stay in the relationship? Or is exploring non-monogamy something important enough to you that staying feels impossible?

You do need to be honest with yourself about what you can live with. 

If it's a "no, not right now" or "I need time," then the question becomes how much time is reasonable? What does "thinking about it" actually look like? And how do you give them space without this becoming the elephant in the room that never gets addressed?

If They Say Maybe / Need Time

This is probably the most common response.

They're not saying no outright, but they're not ready to say yes either. They need time to process, to think, to sit with what this means for them and the relationship. That’s fair. But "I need time" can also become an indefinite holding pattern where nothing ever gets resolved.

Some things worth clarifying:

• What does "time" look like? Days? Weeks? Months?

• What would help them think this through? Do they want to read anything, talk to anyone, ask you more questions?

• How do you both navigate this in-between space? Do you keep talking about it, or do you give them space to think alone? When do you check back in? 

• What reassurances do you need from them in the meantime?

It's okay to need time. It's also okay for you to need some sense of when this conversation will happen again, so you're not left in limbo.

If They React Badly

We touched on this in the previous section, but it's worth saying again: a bad reaction doesn't automatically mean the end.

Anger, hurt, accusations - these can all be part of processing something unexpected. Your partner might say things they don't mean, or make assumptions about what this means that aren't true.

Give it space. Let emotions settle. Then, when things are calmer, you can try again.

But also, pay attention to patterns. One bad conversation where emotions ran high? That's normal. Weeks of silent treatment, punishment, or refusing to engage? That's something else.

What This Tells You

However your partner responds, the conversation itself tells you something valuable about your relationship.

Can you talk about difficult things together? Do they shut down, or engage? Are they willing to sit with discomfort? How do they handle uncertainty?

This isn't about judging them. It's about understanding what you're working with and whether you can navigate this together, whatever the outcome.

The Bit You Didn’t Prepare For

So you've had the conversation. Maybe it went well, maybe it didn't. Maybe you're moving forward with exploring non-monogamy, and maybe you're not. Either way, there's stuff which tends to happen afterwards that you’re not really expecting.

Let's say your partner said yes. They're open to this. You talked it through, and you're both on board. Amazing, right? So why do you feel...weird?

Maybe it's guilt? You've "disrupted" the relationship. You've introduced uncertainty where there was (or seemed to be) stability. And sometimes even if your partner's genuinely okay with it, you might feel bad for wanting this in the first place. The beliefs that we have all grown up with about relationships is that that one, special person should be enough.

Or perhaps it's the fact that, now that it's real and not just a hypothetical anymore, suddenly all the "what ifs" feel more intense. What if they change their mind? What if you can't handle it? What if this ruins everything? 

These feelings and fears don't mean you made a mistake. Change is uncomfortable, even when it's change you want, so the way you’re responding is normal. You’re only human, after all.

Consider also that your partner might need more time than you envisioned. You've been sitting with this idea for a while. You've done the thinking, the journaling, the internal work. You, dear reader, are ready. 

Your partner? They're playing catch-up. 

They just found out about this yesterday. Or last week. Or whenever you had the conversation, and even if they said yes they're probably still processing what this actually means. They might have questions that come up days or weeks later. They might feel fine at first and then hit a wall of anxiety, and when they do they might ask for reassurance you didn't realise they'd need.

They’re probably not trying to be difficult. What’s happening is they’re doing the work you've already had a headstart on.

Sometimes by starting this conversation, you realise you don't communicate as well as you thought you did. Maybe you discover your partner has insecurities you didn't know about. Maybe you find out you handle conflict differently than you assumed.

Sometimes what comes up is good - you learn you can handle hard conversations better than you expected, or that your partner is more open-minded than you thought. And on the other hand, perhaps there are trust issues you didn't know existed. Maybe there's resentment that's been sitting there quietly. Maybe the conversation reveals that you want fundamentally different things.

Whether you end up opening your relationship or not, you've shown your partner something about what you want. They've shown you something about what they can (or can't) handle. The dynamic has shifted, even if only slightly. For some relationships, that shift brings partners closer. They've navigated something difficult together and come out the other side. For others, it creates distance. 

Both outcomes share the fact that you can't un-have this conversation. 

You might agree to try non-monogamy but then realise neither of you knows what that actually looks like in practice. You might decide not to open up, but the conversation keeps coming back. You might think you've got it sorted, and then something happens that makes you question everything again.

What you decide today might need revisiting tomorrow, or next month, or next year. The goal isn't to have one perfect conversation that solves everything, but to be able to keep talking, adjusting and commit to figuring it out together. 

Practice makes progress.

Frequently Asked Questions: Opening Up Your Relationship

What if my partner says no to opening up the relationship? 

First, work out what kind of "no" it is. Is it "absolutely not, ever" or "I need time to think"? If it's a firm no, you'll need to decide whether you can accept that and stay in the relationship, or whether exploring non-monogamy matters enough to you that staying isn't possible. 

How long should I wait before bringing up non-monogamy again? 

If the first conversation didn't go well, give it some time for emotions to settle. I won’t prescribe a timeline, but don't let it become something you never talk about again. Check in: "I know we talked about this before and it was hard. Are you open to talking about it again?"

Should I have resources ready to share with my partner? 

Only if they ask. Don't lead with articles or videos, that feels like a lecture. If they are curious though and want to learn more, having a few things ready can be helpful. This glossary is a list of terms/concepts to get started. And think about what helped it click for you that non-monogamy was something you wanted to try. Share those resources with them.

What if my partner thinks I'm already cheating? 

This is why timing and how you frame the conversation matters. Be clear that you're bringing this up because you want to be honest, not because you've already done something behind their back. If they're convinced you're cheating and won't hear otherwise, that might be a trust issue that existed before this conversation.

Can a monogamous person become comfortable with non-monogamy? 

Sometimes, yes. But "comfortable" doesn't mean enthusiastic, and it doesn't mean they won't struggle. Some people genuinely can't do non-monogamy and that's okay. Don't bank on your partner changing their mind if they've told you it's not for them.

When to Get Support

Not everyone needs outside help to navigate this. Some people have the conversation, work through it together and figure out what comes next on their own. 

But, if you're:

• Stuck in the "should I tell them?" loop — you've been thinking about this for ages and still can't bring yourself to have the conversation. Every time you get close, something stops you.

• Struggling with what you actually want — you know you're interested in non-monogamy, but you can't work out why, or what version of it would actually work for you.

• Navigating the "we said yes, now what?" confusion — you've agreed to explore non-monogamy together, but neither of you knows what that actually looks like in practice.

• Dealing with the aftermath of a conversation that didn't go well — it's been weeks (or months) and things still feel tense, unresolved, or like you're walking on eggshells around your partner and/or the topic.

• Discovering the conversation revealed bigger issues — turns out, this wasn't just about non-monogamy. It's opened up questions about trust, communication, or what you both want from the relationship.

Then it might be worth getting some support, a space to think things through with someone who gets it, and doesn't need the whole "so polyamory is..." explainer before you can talk about what's actually going on.  

So whether you're trying to work out if you should have the conversation, preparing for it, or dealing with what comes after, find out how relationship counselling can help you with your journey into non-monogamy. 

You're not alone in this. Whether the conversation goes well or badly, whether you open up or decide not to — this is hard, and you don't have to figure it all out on your own.