What Is A Relationship Agreement?

Google this question and it can get a bit confusing. For the purpose of this article, and what I work with, a relationship agreement is a shared understanding between partners about how elements of their relationship work and what they expect from each other.

These agreements come in two forms: spoken and unspoken.

A spoken relationship agreement is one where things have been explicitly discussed and decided together. An example of this? Joint accounts. You and your partner(s) have a conversation around finances and decide that, given you live together, household bills and expenses are all paid from a joint account into which you each put money - the amount being something that is also agreed through conversation.

The creation of this agreement is a conscious thing, intentionally done.

On the other hand, we have unspoken relationship agreements. Here’s a classic example of one: sexual exclusivity in a monogamous relationship. As in you will not engage sexually with anyone except me (not literally ME, the author!).

Think about this for a moment. If you’ve experienced a monogamous relationship, have you ever sat down with your partner and discussed what being monogamous actually means for you both? I’d confidently wager the answer is NO for most of you. And why would you, really? There are a lot of cultural & social norms baked into monogamy, so naturally people expect that their partner knows what is and is not acceptable. So in this case, what actually counts as ‘cheating’ if that was never explicitly defined in your relationship?

This is where problems with unspoken relationship agreements typically start though; one or both of you are making assumptions. These can be based on many things, like how you’ve seen your parents or friends conduct their relationships, messaging drilled into you by society at large, or what you think your partner(s) believes about how things should work between you.

The difficulty then with an unspoken agreement is that you had no idea it existed - until it was broken. You and your partner(s) then can feel blindsided, and so begins an adamant ping pong match between one party saying "I thought this was obvious" and the other saying "We never discussed that." 

Now, I want to be careful here. Just because a relationship agreement was unspoken does not excuse it being broken. The emotional fallout, so to speak, still creates real pain & challenges.

But let me step back a bit. We’ve defined what a relationship agreement is. We’ve identified that there can be spoken and unspoken relationship agreements. Now let’s look at what the effects of having one vs the other can be.

SPOKEN

When a relationship agreement, large or small, is consciously created all parties know exactly what to expect of each other.

It is easier to hold each other to account because those expectations are clearly stated and so the chance for misunderstandings is greatly reduced. You feel heard and validated within the relationship. Having the agreement(s) in place also reduces anxiety about "getting it wrong" since you know what the rules and/or boundaries are. And finally, you get to create agreements that actually fit your relationship, not just default to what society says you "should" do.

Nevertheless, it isn’t plain sailing. Creating relationship agreements takes time and emotional energy, and having it clearly stated can make it feel even more painful when the agreement is broken.

UNSPOKEN

When assumptions reign, unmet expectations can lead to feelings of resentment.

“They should have known” is a thought running laps through your mind, leaving you feeling unseen or unimportant. Your partner(s) can’t fix a problem they don’t know exists and it can also make it easier to shirk responsibility for pain caused. “I didn’t know that mattered to you”. This can lead to rules being made after the fact, in the midst of the pain caused by a broken agreement, and they can often feel rigid and unfair.

Finally, unspoken agreements leave little room for flexibility or diverse needs within the relationship. They can even skew the balance of power in the relationship, depending on whose assumptions become the “default”. What is a woman in a heterosexual relationship expected to do with her career when the desire to start a family is present?

Laying it out like this makes it seem silly that unspoken relationship agreements even exist. But they do. Who really wants to have conversations that could be difficult or awkward? Isn’t it so much easier just to act like everyone is on the same page? Besides, socially and culturally, everyone knows what is supposed to happen. Everyone knows what you should or shouldn’t do.

Right?

Okay, let’s take another breath here for a reality check. The reality is that relationships are typically going to be a mix of spoken and unspoken relationship agreements. You can not possibly contract around every scenario that could occur in a relationship.

(Fun Facts: Where is she now?)

Accept that not everything needs to be formally negotiated, and also that it is vital for some things to be explicitly laid out so you can feel safe and build trust. And so, the key is to know

thyself. What is important for you, for your emotional safety and security?

What matters too much for you to leave unsaid?