Your Relationship Agreement Was Broken: Now What?

You’re looking down at your phone, gripped a little tighter in hand than usual. Or, you’re staring blankly at your partner who has just confessed to you. Perhaps, somehow, many floating dots have suddenly connected seemingly out of the blue for you. 

However you’re finding out, at first it’s as if the realisation doesn’t quite sink in. You pause to take it in, bit by bit, and once you begin to understand you realise something is hammering against your ribcage. You take a deep breath but it doesn't seem to make a dent in your lungs. Disbelief has stolen your breath away. Anger comes rushing in on its heels. And it's followed by a question.

What the hell do I do now?

It could be that your partner has been sexting behind your back. 

Swept up in new relationship energy, your nesting partner may have ditched a date night with you to explore their newest connection instead. 

Or that a partner has made a large purchase without first discussing it with you, when you’d agreed on disclosure for anything over a certain amount. 

Perhaps you just discovered that the person you were planning to start a life with, already has one with someone else.

Or perhaps you are the one who broke the agreement, crossing lines spoken or unspoken. What’s going on for you? If you knew what the agreement was, you may be spiralling into a loop of “why did I do this?” and the accompanying pangs of guilt. Paradoxically, there may be a sense of relief. This has been your secret for so long and now you don’t have to hide it.

It could be you had no idea this assumed understanding existed between you and your partner(s). Now they’re bombarding you with questions and you feel backed into a corner. You obviously didn’t mean to hurt them. You apologise but it doesn't seem to matter. You’re getting frustrated now. It’s like you’re having the same conversations, over and over and over, until you’re asking… 

CAN’T WE JUST MOVE PAST THIS?

How you react to a relationship agreement being broken can set the tone for the process going forwards. 

Here’s a common (unfortunately) scenario in a monogamous relationship. A partner has cheated. The betrayed partner confronts them and asks “Why? Why did you do it? How many times did you see them? Did you have sex? How many times did you have sex? Where did you go? Are you in love with them? What didn't I do for you? What’s wrong with me?”. 

All of that, in the same breath. 

Now, I am not, I repeat, I am NOT excusing the actions of this person. In the heat of the moment though, everyone is overwhelmed and no one is thinking straight. 

The person who has cheated, presuming they’re not genuinely evil, is likely shocked by the confrontation, wracked with guilt and has no idea how to respond to an onslaught of questions without hurting their partner further. What can happen in a scenario like this is both parties get quickly stuck in a pattern of behaviour. Rehashed conversations. The partner who broke the agreement feels like they’re walking on eggshells. The betrayed partner fighting the push/pull of ‘I love you’ and ‘how could you do this to me?’. Unspoken tension where there used to be such ease and comfortability between you.

So I have some suggestions. I want to preface these suggestions with the following: it is very easy for me to write these neat and tidy bullet points, and in a calmer moment when you read them you’ll probably nod and think “yep, that makes sense”.

When you’re in the midst of what feels like a punch to the gut (betrayal) or the realisation that you have well and truly fucked things up, it is much more difficult to act rationally.

STOP. AND BREATHE.

You’re less likely to make decisions that serve you best when caught in emotional turmoil. You may feel like you have to do something, while having no idea what to do. That feeling can bring on its own sense of panic. Your mind and body are triggered to fight & fly and caught in the middle, you freeze. 

As simple and cliche as it sounds, consciously taking air into your lungs* will bring you back into your body and the present moment. Even if just a little bit. And you have to have that presence of mind & body so you can take care of the next thing.

(*I like the box breathing method personally.)

BASIC NEEDS FIRST

If there are any concerns about your physical safety, please - as far as you are able to - prioritise getting to a safe place. Is there a person you trust who you can call or stay with?

On that note, your support network. Do you have someone in your life who you know will just listen? No advice; no telling you do this or do that. Consider, if you’re in the UK, a crisis line like Samaritans or the SHOUT text service if you feel you have no one immediately able to sit with you through this. And if you cannot bear to talk right now, write. I don't care how you do it, whether that’s scribbling into a journal or furiously filling up your notes app. What I’m advocating for here is giving yourself a chance to start processing your feelings.

If you have immediate commitments that can be cancelled or rescheduled, consider that. If you have responsibilities that can be shared with or entirely picked up by someone else for a brief time, consider that too. You’re not trying to ‘figure things out’. Instead, give yourself permission to feel some feelings and create some space in your life to do so. 

WHAT NOT TO DO

Doomscrolling social media. 

Look, I get it. Phones may as well be glued to our hands these days. We’ve picked it up before we’ve even realised what we’re doing. But you probably know that social media is not the place to go for balanced, mindful interactions. If you go looking for answers there, especially in the midst of emotional turmoil, you will find some, and more likely than not it will do more harm than good. We are wired as human beings to react to negativity and social media is designed to keep you engaged and on platform.

Don’t make permanent decisions in the heat of your emotions. An example of this, especially when it’s an unspoken relationship agreement that’s been broken, is implementing rules & expectations after the fact. In a non monogamous structure that could be saying ‘you’re not allowed to stay overnight with another partner or new connection’. In a monogamous one it could be ‘no engaging with ex-partners in any way’. Of course this depends on what agreement has broken, but these rules tend to be very rigid with little room for discussion. They create the perfect conditions for resentment.

Finally, in the immediate aftermath, don’t demand answers. You probably want to punch me in the face for suggesting this because obviously that's the one thing you feel you need. Deserve, even. And if you’re the one who has broken the relationship agreement, don’t start vomiting up explanations and justifications. Vomit creates an rancid mess for you to clean up later. Why? Here comes the F word.

Feelings.

You’re deep in them, it is incredibly raw and they will muddle up the way you give or take in information and the decisions you make with that information.

All parties will be impacted by the relationship agreement being broken. If you’ve done the breaking, a possible first step is a clear acknowledgement of it, to recognise that it has caused your partner(s) upset and pain, and make a request for space to go away and make sense of what has happened for yourself. And if you’re the one hurt by the relationship agreement being broken, stop and breathe, focus on the basics and (if you can/it is safe) ask your partner(s) for what you need in the immediate future.

That could be just as simple as ‘space’.

You need that to figure out what's actually happened.