How Men Deal With Suicidal Thoughts

It’s 2021. A crisp, late afternoon in the middle of August. We’re having a decent summer. There are people and their pets strolling through the park. And there I am, sitting on the grass in the shade, listening to the ring ring of a suicide helpline.

Hold on. Wait. How did I get here?

A man about to hit 30, with a world of expectation he placed on his own shoulders, and no idea how to make any of it a reality. I followed the path of education laid out before me and left university with a piece of paper that seemed to open not a single door. I had very little sense of what the purpose of my life was.

Years were spent trying to figure that out. And the frustration and resentment kept building while I wondered just why the hell am I even on this planet. Surely, if I disappeared tomorrow, not a soul would notice? The world would keep turning. I didn’t matter.

Fortunately, while these thoughts were becoming more common, a part of me was very aware that something was wrong. It also recognised that while I’d been doing everything I could think of to make sense of my life, there was something I hadn’t tried yet.

Asking for help. 

Why Men Carry This Alone

Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK. In 2024, three in four suicides were men. In the West Midlands, data shows a recorded a 44.7% increase in age-standardised suicide rate between 2012–2016 and 2018–2022, one of the largest regional increases in England. And nationally, for 4 in 10 men, it would take thoughts of suicide or self-harm before they’d ask for help. Which means an enormous number of men are reaching a point of real crisis whilst appearing completely fine to the people around them. 

Going to work. 

Responding to messages. 

Getting on with it.

The conditioning that produces this runs deep. Sorting out your own problems is strength. Saying you’re struggling is weakness. And admitting you’re having thoughts about not being here? That feels like a line most men won’t cross, because they don’t know what happens when they do.

Will saying it out loud will make it more real? Will I frighten someone? Does it mean I’ve lost control of my life? Am I going to get a ‘don’t be silly, you’ve got so much to live for” lecture? So men say nothing, and carry it a bit longer, and the thought starts to feel like a permanent feature rather than a passing one.

What’s Actually Going On

Suicidal thoughts are rarely about actually wanting to die.

They’re about wanting the pain to stop. The pressure. The relentless sense that you’re falling short of what you’re supposed to be, or supposed to have figured out by now. The thoughts are a signal that some part of you has been carrying too much weight for too long, without anywhere to put it.

That thought I had in the park, "not a soul would notice", it felt completely true at the time. These thoughts arrive with a certainty that feels like fact. Except they aren’t facts. They’re the mind under enormous pressure, trying to make sense of pain it doesn’t know what else to do with.

It’s also worth knowing that suicidal thoughts exist on a spectrum. At one end a passive wish to not be here, to disappear, to get some relief. At the other end something more active, with a plan forming. Most men who experience this are often somewhere in the quieter end of that spectrum, and never tell a soul. It’s not that they’re coping just fine, but because they’ve learned, one way or another, that this particular thing is not something you say out loud. 

What These Thoughts Don’t Mean

Having suicidal thoughts does not mean you’re going to act on them.

It doesn’t mean you’re broken, or beyond help. It doesn’t mean the thought reflects reality. It doesn’t mean something has gone fundamentally wrong with you as a person.

What it means is that you’re in pain, and the pain has been looking for an exit. That’s worth taking seriously.

What They Do Mean

If the thought keeps coming back, something real needs attention. 

Underneath most suicidal ideation in men there’s a version of the same thing: a gap between how life is and how it was ‘supposed’ to be, that’s become too wide to keep explaining away. The sense of mattering — to your own life, to the people in it — has gotten very quiet. And the tools that usually work, like staying busy, problem solving and stuffing those difficult feelings deep down and getting on with it, have stopped working.

When I sat in that park pondering what it’d be like to just not be here, part of me knew something was wrong. I’d tried every last idea I could think of, but it was the one thing I hadn’t tried that changed everything. 

Really, it was finally admitting to myself that I did not have it all together and I couldn’t figure this out on my own. That took a lot. I can be quite stubborn about solving my own problems. It was an act of vulnerability I had not allowed myself, because that isn’t what a man does. Right? But having that moment created space for me to get help with the pressure & emotional pain I was constantly feeling.

One Step Forward

Tell one person. A friend, a family member, a GP. Or reach out to one of the services below. Or get in touch with me directly.

Here’s what that step actually does: it takes the thought out of your head. The more you focus on a thought, the more space it takes up and the more influence it gains over your emotions and actions. Especially when you’re silent about it. Just the simple act of verbally labelling your experience/sensations can reduce their intensity. This can also be the case for suicidal thoughts. In fact, it’s a myth that talking about suicide will make it more likely to happen. 

And if you decide therapy is the place you want to do this, working with suicidal thoughts isn’t about talking you out of them or monitoring you. The focus is on understanding what’s underneath those thoughts. What pain, pressure and accumulated mental/emotional weight has brought you to this point, and working out what you actually need. 

I work with men across Birmingham and the West Midlands, in person from my practice in Digbeth and online UK-wide. If you’re carrying something you haven’t said out loud yet, you’re welcome to get in touch. 

And if you need someone right now, you don't have to wait. If you need to talk to someone right now these national services are free and confidential:

Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week) — samaritans.org

CALM: 0800 585858 (5pm–midnight daily) — thecalmzone.net (webchat also available)

NHS 111: call or go online at 111.nhs.uk for urgent mental health support

999 or A&E: if you are in immediate danger

And locally for Birmingham there is:

NHS Birmingham and Solihull 24/7 Text Service – Text | SPACE to 85258

Birmingham and Solihull Mental Health Helpline – Call the Helpline, open 9am – 11pm, everyday 0121 262 3555 (or Freephone 0800 915 9292) 

Talking Space – Four Crisis Intervention venues in Erdington, St Pauls, Selly Oak and Northfield offering face to face support from 5pm – 11pm everyday. Book online or call 0121 262 3555 for an appointment.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to have thoughts about ending your life?

Research consistently shows that a significant number of people experience suicidal thoughts at some point, particularly during periods of sustained stress or loss. So it’s more common than most people realise, meaning having the thought doesn’t make you abnormal. Rather, you’re  someone who is struggling and hasn’t found somewhere to put it yet.

What’s the difference between passive and active suicidal thoughts?

Passive suicidal ideation is the quieter version: a wish to not be here, to disappear, to get some relief from the pressure. Active ideation involves more specific thinking about how. Both are worth taking seriously, but they’re different in terms of urgency. If thoughts are becoming more frequent or more specific, that’s a signal to reach out sooner rather than later.

Will talking to a therapist about suicidal thoughts make things worse?

No. Talking about suicidal thoughts does not make them more likely to be acted on — that’s a common concern and it’s not supported by evidence. For most men, saying it out loud for the first time is a relief. A therapist who works with this won’t panic, won’t immediately involve anyone else, and won’t take control away from you. What they’ll do is help you understand what’s actually going on.

How do I tell someone I’m having these thoughts?

“I’ve been having some dark thoughts and I’m not sure what to do with them” is enough. Most people, when told something like this by someone they care about, are relieved to know and want to help. The conversation feels enormous before you have it. It almost always feels smaller afterwards.

Can therapy help if I’m not in crisis?

Yes, and it’s often more effective at that stage. Therapy works best when there’s space to explore what’s actually going on rather than managing an emergency. If the thoughts are quiet but persistent, that’s exactly the right time to bring them somewhere.

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That afternoon in the park, on hold to a helpline, I didn’t have a plan. I just knew I’d run out of road doing it alone. If you’re reading this, you probably haven’t run out of road yet. You’re still here, and still looking. It might not feel like it right now but that does matter.

One step is enough to start with.